RELATIONSHIP: are you a CODEPENDENt? What is codependency?

Hey there. I love this topic of codependency and I can't be more excited to blog today about it. I'm no expert here, however I'd like to share what I've learned through some research I've made. Why do I want to talk about this? Codependency is not good and can be very destructive to you if find yourself have this tendency. It is harmful to the relationship but it is even more harmful to you. My desire is to share this and bring it out to light so we can talk about it, put some thought, analyze and reflect on ourselves, change if we have this tendency or prevent ourselves from getting into this any time in the future. So, ready? Let's go.

I feel like codependency is so commonly found as one of the many aspects that forms an unhealthy relationship when you observe it carefully. Looking back, I've been acting as a codependent in some of past relationships I believe. So, if you think that you have this tendency after reading this post, please don't feel shameful about it. No shame in it. I've been there in some degree. This isn't to shame you or label you. This post is to remind us of the signs and to be careful for not feeding into it.

​What is codependency?
The word Codependency comes from two words: "co" meaning together, mutual, and "dependent" meaning dependent on something. This word 'codependent' was originally coined around 1970s for a specific meaning to refer to person who contributed to the addiction pattern of a substance dependent. For example, A has an addiction over alcohol. B is considered codependent when B's behaviors of dealing with A's frustration is giving way for A to take alcohol for stress or anger or anxiety relief. However, in today's world, codependency is no longer limited to substance-related dependent and behaviors. It is understood in a more general term where any relationship where one person becomes so focused on covering, overlooking, defending or facilitating another's unhealthy behaviors. 

Why do we need to watch out for codependency pattern in our relationships?
A codependent needs to be aware that his/her actions, which may most of time rooted out of kindness, sympathy and love for the dependent, may actually foster the unhealthy patterns of behavior of the dependent. Any unhealthy pattern of behavior that someone does, is supposedly, be reduced, stopped or changed because they are unhealthy, or not constructive to oneself and to the people around. We want to call out poor behaviors and find ways to turn from them and change so that we can grow to be healthy and fully functional human beings for ourselves, family and society. 

What are the signs of codependent relationship?
Having a bit understanding on codependency and its harm, how do you analyze our relationship and determine whether it is considered codependent? Here are some flags you can look for to help you determine potential of codependency in your relationship.
1. There is at least a harmful unhealthy behavior that's going on
​2. One person is dependent or actively practicing the unhealthy behavior to this date
3. The way the other person deals with the unhealthy behavior is covering up with giving in at all cost to avoid tension in the relationship
Those are very simplistic general signs to notice potential of codependency in a relationship. However, I don't want you to quickly label your relationship as codependent just based on three situations above. It is  un-wise to find one or few unhealthy behaviors of someone you are in relationship with, knowing that you have overlooked those, if you'd categorize them as, non-major unhealthy behaviors for some good reasons (one among them is understanding that no human is perfect and will never be and be patient about it) and decide that your entire relationship is codependency. This is taking the matter overly extreme. We want to completely avoid this extreme. 

What should I learn from here
There are numerous ways to categorize unhealthy behaviors. Some are based on moral standards, others might be from a social perspective, or ethical standpoint, even spiritual teachings. You'd rely on your discernment, as you have taught and learn from school, society, religion, family values or law on how to spot and name an unhealthy one. Realizing the way you cope with a harmful unhealthy behavior is in fact allowing it to continue to exist, or worse, to be more destructive, is worth your attention, thought and action to change. If you find that you have this tendency, you'd want to ask yourself why you are coping with the issue in a way that is codependent?

At one extreme point, a codependent can function without the sense of self. What I'm saying is for all the effort and attention given over to the other person, a codependent may not be able to answer questions that are addressed to them directly. For example, the answer to the question "what do you think about this?" for a codependent would sound like "well, my mum says.. " or "my boyfriend thinks.. " There's difficulty for this person to answer questions about them. It seems like he/she has difficulty in switching attention away from others to themselves because he/she has been striving all this time looking out away from them, their needs, their feelings and too busy focusing on others' needs, feelings, wants, to keep them happy. The codependent has neglected him/herself without being aware about it. 

Digging deeper
Self-neglecting brings alerts into mind. On one side, a codependent seems to value and weigh others better than him/her. There's truth in this "count others more significant than yourselves" (Philippians 2:3, ESV). However, it is clear that the counting others as more significant is understood in context of humility. The fuller phrase is "but in humility, values others above yourselves" (NIV). It is not read in the context of forgetting, neglecting or suppressing yourself at all circumstance. The avoiding or even running away from self is a sign of brokenness within oneself. When you are in relationship with others, you don't dissolve yourself and evaporate. You exist together and you connect with the other. You are YOU and your existence is meant for something good regardless of your past, fear, shame, guilt, mistake. The brokenness within you needs to be restored. Talk to a counselor or a pastor or an elder in a church seeking help on how to restore it back to the image of God, which is your core identity.

There's fear lying inside a codependent of abandonment from the other person that keep him/her hostage. The idea of not being enough can be paralyzing when it is the only voice you hear all day in your head. We are social beings, communal, but we aren't relying on others to survive. Adam, the first man, was created as a perfect individual. God gave him Eve not because Adam wasn't enough. Adam was perfect and good. God gave Eve to Adam because community makes us better people. 

Reflection
1. Do you notice any sign of codependent tendency?
2. If yes, would you rate it as severe? Do you think you've mostly functioning as a codependent to keep your relationship out of trouble, and keep everyone happy?
3. Could you name any fear, shame, guilt that feeds into your codependent tendency?
4. If you want to turn around and stop being a codependent, what would you do or who among your church leaders whom you perceive have the competence to assist that should you contact asking for help? Don't be shy to ask for help. 

Note: If you need to learn more, go and check Dr. Allison Cook's podcast on What is Codependency and Why Does It Matter?